The Imminent Demise of James Potter II
by special-rock
Summary: Alice Meadowes: the unfortunate subject of James Potter's affections. Currently plotting his painful demise. Meanwhile, Harry Potter and his aurors draft a new regime against a new narcotic. M later. JSP/OC
1. Author's Explanation

**A/N: I am currently in the process of writing a kind of prequel to this story, one where Draco was...well...werewolf-ified...and forced to the Order. That's all I need to catch you up on, I think.**

Dracophine - a new invasive substance (drug) that gives a wicked high while still keeping most of the rational mind. Unfortunately, it has bad side effects that none of the users remember after using it.

The Invasive Substance Investigation Regiment (ISIR), a branch of the Auror Department headed by none other than Harry Potter, is teaming up with the Muggle Police Force to track down the crime patriarch of the Dracophine boom.

Meanwhile, at Hogwarts, James Sirius Potter is returning for his sixth year, along with his best-friends-slash-cousins Fred, Sara and Louis Weasley and T.J. Miller. But his continuing campaign to win Alice Meadowes' heart is failing drastically.

We follow the adventures of Alice, Sara Weasley and Beth Blu as companions to James, Fred, T.J. and Louis, while the adults cope with the more serious stuff.

But what happens when the Muggle world blurs the line between them and the Wizards?

One thing's for sure - Hogwarts will never be the same again.

* * *

**Disclaimer: Don't own nothing :) 'Cept for Alice, Sara, T.J., Beth, and anyone else you don't recognise.**


	2. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything :) Warning: Sorry about the swearing...:D**

'You fucking killed my brother, you bastard,' the police officer said almost calmly as he pressed the gun harder into the man's forehead, the barrel pinching the skin. 'So don't you go playing all fucking innocent with me.'

'Why don't you shoot me, officer? I'm sure you'll feel a lot better.'

'Maybe I will. But first I'll ask you nicely – where're the drugs?'

The man on his knees laughed mockingly, even as the cold seeped across his skin, the hairs standing up as goose-bumps covered the pale, scarred surface. 'The drugs? Why should I tell you, you mudblood fuckhead?'

The police officer grunted, kicking the man in the side. 'Because I'll put a fucking bullet in your brain, that's why.'

The man coughed from the blow, but wheezed out, 'I'm not telling you where the drugs are – they're worth too much.'

'Worth more than your own pitiful existence?'

The man on the floor considered; his head cocked to the side like he was thinking about it. 'Yeah, I reckon.'

'Fucking junkie,' the officer muttered. The lights in the warehouse flickered, water dripping from a leaking pipe. 'Good. I wasn't planning on letting you leave here alive, anyway.'

'Ooh, is that a threat, officer?'

'Maybe.'

The kneeling man pulled the gun harder against his skull with his own hand, the veins on his wrists standing out like black wires. 'Then why don't you make it reality, officer?' he coaxed mockingly.

The officer gritted his teeth, cocking his gun, knocking the safety catch off the semi-automatic.

The man grinned manically, his teeth dripping with saliva, his pupils dilated with the effects of the drug. 'You know what, officer? That's exactly the same threat you brother made before –'

The echoes of the gunshot ricocheted around the empty warehouse as the trigger was pulled. The man fell limp on his side, a thick stream of blood pumping out across the concrete, the dark liquid seeping out from a hole in the bright red hair.

**MAN FOUND DEAD IN WAREHOUSE**

_A man was found dead at eleven-twenty last night in a warehouse in the industrial estate of Jacobstown, Romania._

_Charlie Wesley, 45, of 35 Harlan St, Fiendevia, Romania, was discovered with a bullet wound in his skull after Aurors were alerted by disturbed workers earlier that evening._

_Wesley has been rumoured to be a member of the inner circle of the Dracophine Drug Family, and primary investigations have revealed that he was shot by a member of the Romanian police force Drug Squad, the Muggle equivalent of the Auror Department's Invasive Substance Investigation Regiment (ISIR)._

_The ISIR are looking into the Dracophine Case, and feel that co-operation with the Muggle police force would be beneficial. This proposal has sparked controversy within the Wizarding World, with Minister for Magic Kingsley Shacklebolt fully supporting the proposed action._

"_..[we] would not have to give out any indication to the Muggles of our world...integrating our Aurors into the police force program slowly so as not to arouse suspicion..." the Minister was reported saying earlier this morning._

'Gin? I've got to go. Work's just called in.'

'Mmm.' The woman in the bed rolled over, stretching, yawning, sheets barely covering smooth creamy skin. 'So early?'

'Mm hm.' He pressed his lips to her forehead softly. 'Go back to sleep.'

'Come back to bed,' was the retort.

He chuckled, letting his eyes trail over the sheet-clad form of his wife. 'I wish.'

'Yeah,' she sighed, turning over again as her husband disappeared in a flash of green fire.

The auror rounded the corner into the shared office, yawning widely as he set his case down on his desk. There were deep circles around his eyes, and his black hair was as spastic as ever. He went to collapse into his desk chair, but managed to somehow catch his toe on the edge of the desk leg and bang his knee into the edge of the wood.

'Son of a bitch!'

He really needed a coffee.

'Eloquent, Potter.'

His head spun around to the other occupant of the room; his colleague, Draco Malfoy.

'Fuck you, Malfoy. I'm tired, okay?'

Malfoy wasn't looking much better. His eyes were dark circles, his usually perfectly-arranged hair almost as messy as Harry's.

'Yeah, well, so am I. I still managed to keep from injuring myself, though.'

'Testament to your unearthly ability to piss me off at any time of the day.'

'What can I say? It's a talent. Here.'

Malfoy offered Harry a steaming mug of bittersweet-smelling liquid while simultaneously yawning, somehow not spilling anything. Harry raised an eyebrow.

Malfoy gave an exasperated sigh. 'It's coffee, Potter.'

'Is it poisoned?'

Malfoy cuffed him over the head familiarly while Harry grinned. 'You tosser.'

'Git.'

'Prat.'

'Sod.'

'Ah, shut up.'

'Shutting.' Harry grabbed the coffee. 'Thanks.'

Malfoy smirked, slapping Harry on the shoulder as he dumped a large bunch of papers on Harry's desk. 'You'll need it. You've got a press conference this morning, half past nine. Muggle Relations wants a solid report by noon, the Minister wants a list of all recon aurors by one, you need to finish that last report on the debrief of the Romanian Aurors -'

'Okay! Okay! I get it!' Harry clutched at his head. 'My brain hurts. Why did I have to pick _you _to be Dep-Head?'

'Because I'm the only one that you can rely on to keep this office running.'

'And what a sad time this is. Draco Malfoy - the only person I can rely on.'

'Fuck you, Potter.'

'Love you too.'

**Read and Review?**


	3. The Hogwarts Express

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, and so mine shall be nothing. I don't think that makes sense.**

**To ImpartialMoroi: Thanks so much :) Love to hear from you always - you make my day.**

**To Saray667: Ah, but I didn't...Charlie Weasley lives and shall forever more! (Well, until I decide I don't love him anymore...) Charlie **_**Wesley **_**is another matter entirely...but thanks for picking it up!**

**To LadyLauraOzera: Mwahaha! Gotcha ;)**

**To mental: Thanks for the inspiration...if you need, PM me and I'll get back to you.**

_ORDINARY WIZARDING LEVEL EXAMINATION RESULTS_

_Pass Grades: (O) Outstanding Fail Grades: (P) Poor_

_(E) Exceeds Expectations (D) Dreadful_

_(A) Acceptable (T) Troll_

_SARA NYMPHADORA WEASLEY HAS ACHIEVED:_

_Transfiguration O_

_Charms O_

_Potions E_

_Defence Against the Dark Arts O_

_History of Magic O_

_Divination E_

_Ancient Runes O_

_Arithmancy O_

_Muggle Studies O_

_Herbology O_

_Care of Magical Creatures O_

_Astronomy O_

'Dad was proud that I got an Outstanding for Care of Magical Creatures,' Sara said matter-of-factly, pulling her trunk along the corridor behind her as she searched for an empty compartment. ''Course, we always knew _that'd_ happen.'

Beth handed Sara her results back. 'Was it the fact that you practically live with magical creatures that he's made sure you spent your entire life caring for that tipped him off or the fact that it's been one of your best classes since first year?'

Sara grinned. '"I don't care for dragons –"'

'"- dragons care for me."' Beth finished the quote for her, and they both laughed. Sara's dad had been drilling that into her since she was two years old. 'Look, there's Alice.'

The last part of their trio was waving impatiently from a compartment up the corridor, her head sticking out of the door. Sara and Beth pulled their trunks inside, lifting them into the overhead compartment as Alice slid the door shut behind them, scoffing at the fact that it took Beth and Sara half an hour to find her.

'How were your holidays, Alice?' Sara asked, flopping down inelegantly on the seat opposite her and Beth. 'Still got that bloody twang of yours?'

Alice flicked her hair over her shoulder, smirking. 'Sure do.' Alice Meadowes lived in Australia, and she had a noticeable 'Aussie' accent that irked the entire student, staff and ghost population at school. The portraits did not mind as much. 'And my holidays were great, thank you very much. My brother was back from China and somehow found a brain over there, so he even took me shopping in Melbourne.'

'Bribed you to like him, you mean,' Beth said, amused. 'Terry could never find a brain, no matter how hard he looks for one.'

Alice sighed tragically. 'Oh, I know. And to think that I almost had an intelligent and civilised conversation with him...'

Sara and Beth laughed again. It was good to be back for sixth year.

'Oh, and sorry we couldn't be there on your birthday, Sara,' Beth said. 'Did you get our present?'

Sara grinned indulgently. 'Sure did. Thanks so much, guys. They fit like a glove.'

'They _are _gloves_._'

'So? I liked the expression. And the swirl patterns in the leather are really pretty with all the sparkles and whatnot.'

'I picked the design out,' Alice said smugly. 'I hope they last longer than the last ones.'

'Bloody right they should,' Beth said ominously. 'You were all for the pretty design, but I was the one that made sure the leather was good quality. You can't get a ruddy good pair of chaser gloves just anywhere these days.'

'Aw, thanks guys,' Sara smiled. 'You're the best.'

'We know,' Alice and Beth said in unison.

Sara lay down on her seat lengthways, her knees bent so that she could fit. 'So what'd you get for OWLs? I know I did bloody well. No, wait, let me guess – twelve ruddy Outstandings and no question of a fail grade?'

Alice smirked again. 'Not quite. Eleven Outstandings and an Exceeds Expectations in Care of Magical Creatures.'

Sara whistled lowly. 'Wicked. Always knew you'd be one of the top in the year. I got ten Outstandings and Exceeds in Divination and Potions. I thought I'd fail Potions, so that's good, hey.'

'What did you get, Beth?'

Sara and Alice turned to scrutinise Beth, who said in a small voice, 'Eleven Outstandings and Exceeds in Divination.'

Sara and Alice turned to look at each other, before promptly cracking up laughing. 'Oh, Beth, sweetie,' Alice said, 'you're actually disappointed, aren't you?'

'No,' Beth shot back. But then she bit her lip, relenting. 'Well...maybe a little bit.'

Sara and Alice laughed harder. Beth scowled. 'If you're going to ruddy laugh at me like this, then I'm leaving. I have to go to the Prefects' Compartment.'

'Aw, Beth, we didn't mean it.'

Beth raised her eyebrows. 'Yes, you did.'

Alice thought about for a moment. 'Yeah, we did.' This made Alice and Sara crack up again.

Beth rolled her eyes. She stood up, sliding the door open. Looking back over her shoulder at Alice and Sara, she gave a long-suffering sigh, taking the edge off with a small smile. 'Enjoy the peace. I'll see you in a couple of hours.'

'Bye,' Alice waved her off, sliding the door over behind her. She folded into her seat, exhaling in a rush. 'Whew. Hey, Sara, do you think the trolley's coming soon? I'm starving.'

'Dunno. It's almost twelve, though,' Sara said, checking her watch. Then she looked up. Alice was staring out the window pensively, and Sara could see that her mind was a hundred miles away. But she ignored the urge to ask. If Alice wanted to tell her, Alice would tell her in her own time. She wasn't one of those weak emotional girls who needed attention to make them feel complete.

'Uh, did you hear about that drug raid in Romania?' Sara asked, changing the subject.

Alice looked over, her expression changing from one of thought to one of interest. 'Yeah, actually, it was in the Prophet, wasn't it? Some muggle please-man shot Charlie Wesley – oh, _no_!' Alice laughed incredulously. 'How many people have sent their condolences?'

Sara grinned. 'At least twenty-seven. We even had a guy from the _Department of Internal Aid to the Socially Disadvantaged in the Wider Community_,' she said in a mockery of an important voice, 'come to try and take me away. Bit of a shock for him when dad walked out and asked what the hell he was doing. I'd gotten out a beater's bat from dad's old kit and was ready to bloody off him.'

Alice raised an eyebrow. 'No way.'

'Yes way.'

Sara and Alice cracked up again, Sara accidentally rolling of the seat and falling on the floor, which just made them both laugh harder. They were stopped, however, by the much-awaited trolley-witch's call, the hearing of which promptly ensued a fight to the door.

Sara scrambled up to her feet, pushing Alice behind her as she blocked the door, using her superior height and strength to make sure Alice didn't cut through. Alice raised an eyebrow again, pulling out her wand. Sara backed out almost immediately.

Alice smirked, pulling out her purse. 'Yes, can I please get...' she thought for a moment., '...one-packet-of-Drooble's-Best-Blowing-Gum- two-pumpkin-pasties-three-liquorice-wands-two-cauldron-cakes-two-packets-of-Bertie-Bott's-Every-Flavoured-Beans-six-chocolate-frogs-one-packet-of-those-funny-sweets-that-make-you sound-like-animals-six-pepper-imps-and a salad sandwich. Please.'

The trolley-witch raised an eyebrow and smiled approvingly as she handed over the products. 'That'll be two galleons, dearie.'

Alice handed over the money, grinning over her shoulder. 'You want anything, Sara?' she asked mockingly.

Sara rolled her eyes. 'I'm good, thanks.' She slid the door over after the trolley-witch trundled up the corridor, leaving the girls to eat for a while.

After a few minutes, Alice stood up. 'Hey, I'm going to go to the loo, 'kay? You don't mind, do you?'

Sara frowned. 'Why would I mind about you going to the loos?'

Alice smirked once again. 'I don't know, maybe you would have felt deprived of my attentions and I'd come back to find you curled up in an inconsolable ball on the compartment floor.'

'Well, mate, that just depends on how I feel right now, doesn't it?' Alice waited. Sara caved. 'Fine,' she said dramatically, passing a hand over her forehead. 'Oh, Alice! How could I ever survive without you!' Alice nodded approvingly. Sara muttered under her breath, 'You egotistical twat.'

'Love you, Sara,' Alice said, smiling angelically.

'Well if you're going to the loo, hey, I'm going to go up and see the guys. Come on.'

Sara grabbed the food before she closed the door over behind her. The guys'd probably want some. She and Alice wandered up the corridor, pressing flat against the windows at one point to avoid a third year Hufflepuff with a Fanged Frisbee and the harried Ravenclaw Prefect running after him, who greeted them with a breathless 'Hi,' as he ran past. Shaking her head, Sara finally found the compartment she was looking for. 'I'll be back in an hour, right?'

Alice shrugged, continuing up the corridor to the loos. 'Sure. See you.'

''Kay, bye.'

And with a sense of apprehension which was not completely unfounded, Sara slid the door over.

* * *

**A/N: Et voila! Hogwarts Chapter numero uno! *celebrates***

**Please, please review. I know it takes time, but it is encouraging to see those (4) Inbox signs.**


	4. The Hogwarts Express Part Two

**Disclaimer: You must be Harry Potter, the famous bastard. My name is Draco Malfoy. I am a racist, I despise gingers and mudbloods, I loathe Gryffindor House and my parents work for the man who killed your parents do you want to be my friend? Actually I'm not Draco Malfoy from A Very Potter Sequel, otherwise I would have pawned his inheritance and the Malfoy fortune and bought the rights to Harry Potter. Unfortunately this did not happen, nor shall it happen. Ever.**

**Seamus Finnegan about Umbridge: "And I heard a Dementor kissed her. And. It. Died."**

**A/N: Hogwarts Chapter part two - hope it's funny.**

As soon as she slid the door open she was accosted most resentfully. 'Should be coming back this way soon,' Fred said lowly, yanking Sara into the compartment. She scowled indignantly at him as he peered out through a slit in the shade out into the corridor, a mischievous grin spreading across his tanned face.

'What's happening, cuz?' Sara asked Louis, looking pointedly at the creepily-grinning Fred.

He stretched like a cat, yawning and running a hand through his silvery hair. 'Oh, yeah, Freddie's gone and set a Knickers-Switch hex – you know, when James and Meadowes walk through – he followed her to the loos – their knickers'll swap places like –'

'OKAY. No need to go into detail.'

'Shh! They're coming, you prat!' Sara was squashed against the not-so-clean fluffy carpet as Fred scrambled back from the door and tripped over her as he caught sight of the two people out the window.

'Ugh...Fred...get...off...me...twat.'

'Here they come,' Fred murmured, completely ignoring her, even as she pulled herself out from under him by her elbows. Louis was behind him looking curious – in a slick and cool way, of course. 'And almost there – wait for it – almost there – and – THERE!'

He and Louis fell into hysterics as a loud shriek sounded from the corridor, quickly followed by a much lower voice shouting, 'What the bloody hell?'

'Brilliant!' Fred crowed, exchanging high five with Sara and Louis, who was almost crying he was laughing so hard - in a totally socially-acceptable way. 'Total genius!'

'Nice knickers you've got there, Jamesie!' Louis guffawed as he slid the door open with a flourish.

'Really excellent colour – they match what you've got up top, hey?'

Sara, grinning widely, peered under Louis' arm to see James Potter (the second) staring in horror at his crotch, which was covered by a pair of very lacy pale green girls' pants, complete with cute little pink bows. They were on over his shorts, and there was a matching green lacy bra strapped over his t-shirt. When Sara followed Louis' gaze to the girl next to James, she saw a violently red pair of boxers covered in miniature golden hippogriffs, their wings enchanted to flap.

Alice Meadowes – sarcastic charmer of the century - looked apoplectic and ready to explode with rage. But not before she'd hexed someone's balls off. She was also staring at her crotch in horror, the boxers on over the top of her own jeans, and realisation appeared to be dawning rapidly.

'Just _why_ am I wearing underpants covered in flying griffins?' Her head whipped round so fast that Sara blinked and missed it to glare at James, spotting the lacy green pants that seemed like they would be rather constricting, especially on a bloke.

No one seemed to feel the need to point out to her that they were actually hippogriffs. It was probably something to do with the I'm-bloody-ready-to-beat-you-to-a-pulp-with-my-bare-hands expression on her face.

'Potter...' she began dangerously, her Australian accent twanging massively. 'YOU GIVE ME BACK MY UNDERPANTS _NOW_!'

'These are yours?' James asked, his eyes glazing over slightly.

'Kinky, eh?' Fred grinned with a devilish waggle of his eyebrows. 'I knew she had it in her.'

'Later, mate,' James replied, and took off running down the corridor.

'POTTER, YOU ARE _SO _DEAD!' With a shrieked expletive ending in some very nasty threats, Alice took off after him while Sara and the rest collapsed laughing.

'How long d'you reckon it'll be before she catches him?' Sara speculated. 'She's a fit girl, and a Seeker to boot.'

Fred and Louis cracked up again, just as Beth walked down the corridor on her Prefect patrolling rounds. She stopped when she saw Sara and the guys, giving them a puzzled look.

'Was that Alice and Potter I just saw tearing down the corridor?' she asked suspiciously. 'What did you do?'

Fred scoffed. 'Why did we have to do anything? Jamesie could've done it himself. Merlin knows he's good at setting her off.'

Beth was sceptical. 'Yeah, right.'

Fred grinned shamelessly. 'I'm sure she'll tell you all about it back in your compartment.'

Beth frowned. 'Do I want to know.'

Sara smiled. 'Probably not. You know what, I reckon I'm going to hang here for a couple of hours while Alice cools off.'

'Sounds good to me. But I've got to keep going. See you guys.'

'Bye, Beth!'

Fred closed to door over, collapsing into his seat. 'But you've got to admit, that was brilliant.'

'Oh, very,' Sara agreed, grinning. 'I just hope – for her sake – that Alice manages to catch him. They were her favourite knickers.'

'_Really_?' Fred and Louis said interestedly. '_Well_, then...' Fred trailed off, his eyes alight.

'Interesting...' Louis mused.

'What's interesting?' Damon Finnegan, their fellow Gryffindor, asked as he was passing by, stopping in the doorway.

'Never you mind,' Fred said mysteriously.

Damon turned to Sara. 'What's he going on about?'

Sara smiled mischievously. 'Can't be too sure, but last year a whole lot of pants went missing from the girls' fifth. Francis and that lot were harping on about it for ages, we were getting sick of it. Thought it had to be James, Freddie, Louis and T.J., but they could never bloody prove it, could they – cause there's no way for blokes to get up the staircase, is there?'

'No dormitory is safe from the Knickers-nickers,' Fred declared, sliding the door home as Damon left. He grinned at Sara. 'Not even the girls' sixth.'

Sara snickered, flashing a grin in return. 'Just make sure it's not my knickers you're nicking, and we'll be right enough, yeah?'

Fred waggled his brows. 'Rumour had it yours weren't that, shall we say…scintillating, cuz.'

'You might want to lay off the incest just a bit, Freddie. You potentially stealing your cousin's knickers, people might get a bit freaked-out,' Louis commented wryly.

Fred and Sara laughed. 'I don't buy them with the intent of anyone else seeing them,' Sara pointed out.

'Ain't that the truth. You are the biggest dating failure the world has ever seen. This year, though, that shall change,' Fred said, waggling his eyebrows again.

Sara ignored him. 'So next time you decide to muck through people's things, leave me out of it. And if I were you, I'd avoid Quincey Boot too – she's convinced there's an enormous grey dog going round, taking people's pants.' She winked at Louis.

'She's bollocks, that one,' Louis said, shaking his head at the mention of Sara's notoriously obsessive-compulsive dorm-mate. 'Last term, on the _last bloody day_ she tried to report me to Flitwick for having black sneakers – said it didn't match up with uniform requirements or something.'

'Nah,' Sara yawned, stretching back into the seat beside Fred and balancing her feet on the seat opposite next to Louis. 'She likes you. Looking at _her _uniform, it's almost funny.'

'I look at her uniform all the time,' Fred interjected, staring glaze-eyed at the wall above Louis' head.

Sara screwed her nose up in distaste. 'That's just disturbing.'

Louis perked up, ignoring Sara. 'Yeah,' he said to Fred, 'did you know you can tell what colour her bra is almost every day? She seems to have a lot of lacy black ones.'

'And red,' Fred said knowingly. 'Many reds.'

'Ugh,' Sara said, elbowing Fred and kicking Louis in the stomach. 'Didn't we have this same conversation last year?'

Fred frowned. 'Yeah, I think we did, now that you mention it.'

Conversation got a bit distracted after that, with Louis and Sara catching up on one another's holiday and talking about something funny her dad, also Louis' Uncle Charlie, had done to a troublesome dragon at work, and Fred drawing rapidly on a clipboard, muttering to himself and biting at any attempt to include him in conversation.

They, in their entirety and not missing essential members, were a bit of an odd group, the Potter-Weasley Clan, but they were best mates nonetheless.

They lived up in the Gryffindor boys' sixth – "they" meaning Louis and Fred; Sara didn't, of course – along with James, Damon, T.J. Miller and Aaron Patterson, though T.J. and Aaron still were close with the other blokes in their year – meaning Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs.

Slytherins remained part of a hostile alien species.

Every sixth year boy in Gryffindor (except for Aaron and Louis –but it sounds better if we just say everyone does) played Quidditch, 'course, and the other three usuals on the team were Sara, a fourth year named Nate Wood and to James' incessant delight, Alice Meadowes.

To James' incessant non-delight, Alice was the proud captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, which, therefore, gave her the much-coveted power to boss him around, and if necessary, blackmail him.

As it were, Sara had no trouble passing the remainder of the hour in enjoyable banter with her mates-slash-cousins Louis and Fred.

Things got a bit dicey a half hour out of Hogsmeade – it seemed Fred had taken up with a muggle girl who worked in the street-side bookshop outside the London entrance of the Leaky Cauldron, only to dump her just before he went back to Hogwarts.

'Well, that's just bad form, isn't it, mate?' Sara accused him. 'That's the type of thing Louis would do, not you.'

'Hey!' Louis exclaimed, hurt. He pouted.

'It's true,' Sara said unsympathetically.

Louis shrugged, conceding this, and turned his attention back to Fred. 'But you're not me. You're an idiot, mate. How the hell are you going to get into the Alley now? The bookshop's right outside the Leaky Cauldron, right?'

'Good point,' Sara gave him.

'Well, I'll just – uh – you know – yeah – I'll – uh...' Fred trailed off, the normally-tanned skin on his ears and the back of his neck a bright red, matching his spiky hair.

'Mate, you are an _idiot_.'

Just as Fred opened his mouth to defend himself the door slid open and thoroughly-exhausted James slumped in, looking decidedly worse for wear.

'Alice?' Fred asked, returning to his usual complexion and manner, though with a sympathetic edge.

James nodded, tucking into the space between Fred and Sara's feet. 'Horrible row – she thinks that _I_ that set up the ruddy hex. And she might be a bit upset about the fact that all the prefects saw us wearing one another's pants, too…'

Louis winced. 'Sorry mate – it was just a joke.' Fred, looking less sincere in his contrition, nodded his support.

'I know,' James replied with a tired smile. 'No harm done, really – s'not like she fancied me before.'

He hummed a very off-key and depressing Christmas carol, and Sara and the others exchanged long-suffering eye-rolls, before Louis looked meaningfully at Sara.

'James,' she said, sighing, 'I'm going up there anyway. I'll talk to her, tell her it wasn't you who set the hex – it'll make things better, trust me.'

He perked up. 'Sure!' He opened the door for both of them.

She looked back at Louis and Fred. 'Well, I'm going to go and console Alice. Merlin knows she'll need someone to rant at and whatnot. Have the food.'

Louis eyed the small pile of sweets hungrily. '_Avec pleasure_.'

'You going to change?' James then asked as they traversed up the corridor, nodding towards the loos, and Sara looked at her watch.

'Er, yeah, guess I should. Wait for me? I've got to get them from the compartment.'

James grinned gleefully. ''Course – you're talking to Alice, remember?'

Sara rolled her eyes, muttering a quick _accio _and catching her robes as they zoomed down the hallway. She smiled painfully at James, shutting the loo door behind her. But she had promised…

It was dark inside the loos, and Sara managed to stumble over and hit the walls any number of times, probably causing the nearby first years to think that the loos were haunted by a foul-mouthed ghost. She grunted as she pulled her robes over her head before pushing out to an impatiently waiting James.

'She's just in there,' James said eagerly, nodding Sara's compartment, now with a closed door and drawn shade.

'I _know_, James,' Sara said, 'I was in there before I came to see you guys. We sit in the same compartment every train trip.' Sara sighed, looking at him pleadingly. 'James, do I really have to do this? She'll be angry at me, and you know how she gets when she's angry...' James nodded sagely, '...and I know I promised, but...'

'Well, Sara, she's got to hear it from someone, and she'll only try to hex me if I go in…' James rubbed his hair, as he always did when he was nervous, and smiled hopefully. 'Please?'

'Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll probably stay in here.' Sara shooed him off down the corridor. 'So I'll see you at the feast, yeah?'

'Right,' he grinned. 'Good luck!'

Shaking her head, Sara turned back to the compartment and, after considering but disposing of the idea of being considerate, shoved open the sliding door with a flourish.

'Come in,' a voice said drily: Alice, ever the sarcastic one.

Sara dumped her butt ungracefully onto the seat opposite Alice, twisting so she lay on her side, facing Alice. She propped her elbow up, resting her cheek in her hand.

'That's okay,' Sara replied brightly. 'No need to invite me.'

'Oh, hey Sara,' Beth greeted, looking up from her book.

Sara shoved the door closed with her foot, humming the same depressing Christmas carol that James had earlier, though actually on key. Despite the tonal accuracy, this irritated Alice intensely.

'Can you _not_?' she asked hotly, scowling. 'Trying to distract myself from Pot-head. That singing's a great help.'

Given the pink tinge to Alice's cheeks, and the way her blue eyes were flashing, Sara guessed that before she had entered Alice had been in the middle of brooding over the situation with the swapped knickers, relating it to Beth and cultivating a revenge prank.

'Right,' Sara sighed. 'About that. I, er…just wanted to tell you that you shouldn't be angry with James over the whole, er…thing.'

Alice stared at Sara, **skeptical**. 'I shouldn't be angry?' Alice repeated in dangerous tones, their close friendship put on hold in light of the Potter Issue. 'And what _excellent_ reason can you offer to convince me that I shouldn't be angry, Sara dearest?'

'Because – and I swear I'm not just saying this to protect my cousin – he didn't know what was going to happen – the joke was on him as well,' Sara explained quite honestly, studiously ignoring Beth's raised eyebrow. 'Fred and Louis – well, more Fred, really – planned it, and James had no idea.'

'And I suppose Fred and Louis are incredibly sorry to have humiliated Potter and me,' Alice drawled, her tone positively dripping murderous sarcasm.

'No,' Sara replied brightly. 'They've no reason to be – it might have been humiliating, but to everyone else it was hilarious. I just hate to see James in a state because you're angry with him, especially when it's not his fault. And for once, at least, it isn't. I'm not asking you to go talk to him or anything. I just thought you ought to know.'

After this declaration of James' innocence, Sara promptly commenced rolling on her seat in insane laughter.

Beth and Alice shared a long-suffering sigh and eye-roll.

'Do you think we should _stupefy _her?' Beth asked mock-anxiously. 'She might injure herself.'

'Mmm. I've heard insane people tend to do that.'

The two peered at their deranged friend clinically.

'I fear for her mental health,' Alice said sadly.

'Sadly, my friend, so do I.'

After which a quick _silencio _was cast and Beth and Alice spent the last ten minutes of the train ride in peace.

* * *

**A/N: Any thoughts? **

**LadyLauraOzera, the "skeptical" avec un "k", c'est pour toi ;)**


	5. A Little Bit of Spice

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter - J.K. Rowling can have her saviour. As long as I get Draco Malfoy, who has been denied asofar. FML.**

* * *

'Son of a bitch!'

Harry swore loudly, kicking the side of his desk for good measure.

Malfoy smirked over towards him, sipping at a latte. 'You've been saying that an awful lot, Potter. And though I freely admit that at times my mother could be –'

'Not _you_, this!'

'Potter, you're not making any sense. "This" is applicable to a variety of things, none of which I'm sure merit –'

Harry shot him a look, to which Malfoy replied with an obscene hand gesture. Just like old times.

'Malfoy,' he said menacingly, waving a thick wad of papers in the air, 'did you put these on my desk?'

'No. Why would I?'

'You put everything on my desk.'

Malfoy looked mock-affronted. 'I resent that!'

Harry raised an eyebrow.

Malfoy sighed. 'If that is the report pertaining to the interrogation and subsequent Obliviation of one Sergeant Johann Tulway of 16 Sulley Crescent, Kalkury, Romania, then yes, I did put that on your desk.'

'How the hell do you remember things like that?'

Malfoy gasped dramatically, his hand on his chest. 'I was _right_?'

Harry snickered. 'That's what I thought.'

'Whatever. But I know that I did put a report pertaining to the muggle please-officer who shot Wesley on your desk. Does it offend you, oh St Potter? I know a variety of curses intended to cause offending pieces of parchment great agony –'

'Shut up, you tosser,' Harry muttered, shooting him a dark look underlaced with amusement. 'I'll look over it, since you want me to so badly.' Harry flipped the page over and, clearing his throat pompously, bean to read in an important voice, 'Auror Department Invasive Substances Investigation Regiment – Romanian Subdepartment. Declaration Statement of one Sergeant Jovan Mulway, citizen of Romania, non-magical –'

'You can shut up, you know. I've already read it.'

Harry ploughed on, ignoring Malfoy. '- blood, no known magical relatives. Age: thirty-nine. His brother Logan Mulway was killed on the sixteenth of June 2020 by use of – hmm – the _Avada Kedavra..._interesting developments –'

'Potter, shut your fat mouth, you prat. Trying to work here.'

'Mulway was involved in what the muggles call the Drug Squad, equivalent to our own ISIR...was chasing up the case of his brother – isn't that illegal? – and he –'

'I am getting dangerously close to hexing you, Potter. And I don't care if you killed the Dark Lord, I reckon that I could still –'

'_MEETING IN THE HEAD OFFICE, ALL AURORS REQUESTED TO ATTEND!'_ Harry yelled over Malfoy's threat, his wand at his throat magically amplifying his voice.

Malfoy swore.

* * *

'- and I have successfully handed the names of the aurors participating in the Integration Program to the Minister earlier today. Anyway, I have an announcement to make,' Harry said, importantly.

He beamed around at the assembled sixty or so aurors crammed into his and Malfoy's office.

'I'm making chilli tonight! For everyone!' he declared.

A few shuffled their feet, some grinning weakly. Harry Potter, despite having conquered the Dark Lord and escalated to the top of the auror department, had not yet mastered the art of cooking.

Harry sighed. 'Okay then. Everybody look at the plaque on that door over there.'

Everyone complied, registering the plaque; _Harry Potter, Head of Auror Department_.

'Now look back at me.' Harry beamed again. 'I'm making chilli tonight! For everyone!'

Moment of awkward silence.

A gay baby was born.

Cheers erupted in the Auror Office, the decibels echoing down to the Department of Mysteries and absolutely decimating whatever small progress had been made towards constructing a new time-turner.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you to my wonderful reviewers - you keep me out of dark places :) Keep it up!**


	6. The Common Room

Disclaimer: I do not claim anything, but I do diss this fact. Being poor sucks.

**A/N: Aha! We delve into the mind of our very-own part-werewolf, Louis Weasley. God love him.**

* * *

Louis Weasley was exorbitantly uncomfortable. This was not a state unfamiliar to him, but the particular nature of the uncomfortableness he was experiencing was causing him intense distress.

Dinner was not looking appetizing at all, despite the superbness of the selection spread out in front of him, yet at the same time he felt like shovelling the lot into his gob and being done with it.

He was itchy. Not itchy like skin-itchy, but under his skin, like he wanted to scratch it all red and raw until he felt the blood and muscle under his fingernails. This itchy feeling was not helped by the fact that he was all jittery and jumpy. Every time someone clicked their cutlery it was like a needle driving right through to his brain. And he couldn't concentrate – all the different voices scrambled his brains, and he was getting a headache.

He went to grab a fork, preparing to shove a piece of steak into his mouth, but dropped it immediately as his fingers burned.

'Fuck,' he muttered. Why was the cutlery always silver? Normally it didn't bother him, but this close to the full moon...

His head ached. He attempted to distract himself.

Beth Blu was sitting a few seats up on the opposite side of the table. _She's looking pretty damn fit this year_, Louis mused, watching as she licked a drop of sauce off her finger, oblivious to the sensual way in which she executed the gesture.

Louis put his head in his hands, running his fingers through his hair. Why was he suddenly having all these thoughts about shagging? He was eating _dinner_ for Merlin's sake. But that apparently didn't distract him from imagining shoving the girl up against a wall and snogging her senseless, maybe doing a little bit more...

This time he purposely grabbed the fork, hissing as the metal burnt his skin. His cousin Sara shot him a worried look, and he shook his head. He'd talk to her later.

Alice Meadowes was sitting right next to Sara, determinedly ignoring James' antics – he'd cleared his plate and then created 'JP & AM' with Worcestershire and tomato sauce and was attempting to charm it to float in the air in front of Meadowes' face.

Meadowes was totally the fittest girl in school, of course, but she was off-limits, Louis reminded himself. She was James' bird – not that she acknowledged this. But if he wasn't allowed to date her, he could still appreciate her, yeah?

He could imagine those sinewy legs wrapping around his waist as her hands tangled in his hair, his hands slipping under her shirt...

_James' bird! James' bird! Off-limits! What the hell are you doing, Lou?_

Diagonally opposite him was Quincey Boot, and she was wearing a purple lacy bra tonight. He could see the colour through the thin white fabric of her school shirt. She noticed him looking, giving him a sultry smile and flipping her hair, subtly opening her collar a little further.

Huh, maybe Sara was right. She sure looked like she liked him. Maybe he'd go see her later. She'd be a good fuck – she was never one for commitment.

And he needed it. He had to stop all these thoughts he was having about girls in his year. Pretty soon he'd be fantasising about fucking Slytherin girls – not that they'd mind, anyway. Tarts.

Actually, now that he'd thought of it, these thoughts had only intensified the closer the full moon had got. Could it be related?

He needed to talk to Sara. But that would have to wait until after the feast.

For now...he hooked his ankle around Quincey Boot's, rubbing the back of her calf as he dropped a wink. She had a smile on her face as she went back to talking with her friends.

* * *

'- going senile, I swear –'

'Yeah, singing about house _unity_? It's finally gone bollocks –'

'You call that singing? It seemed to me that the bloody thing was trying to _rap_ – '

'Rapping is _so _not its thing. I wonder what would happen if you put a _silencio_ charm on –'

'Alice, sweetie, the Sorting Hat is an exceptionally powerful magical object and only an exceptionally powerful witch or wizard – not that I'm saying you're not – could possibly have a hope in hell of hoodwinking it with a Silencing Charm and I seriously don't think that you'd have any chance what with Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick sitting right up there at the staff table and even if you could manage to pull it off you'd have to contend with the short period of time between its song and the Sorting of the new first years to be able to disable the Silencing Charm and if you went to all the trouble of casting the charm in the first place only to have to undo it again therefore draining your magical stores by hoodwinking aforementioned exceptionally powerful object twice then why not just not bother and invest in a set of earplugs?'

'See! I knew you'd considered it, too, Beth. Hell, did you see the size of the first years?'

'- midgets –'

Sara shook her head. 'They get smaller every bloody year, I swear.'

Beth gave Alice a meaningful look. '...just like James...'

Alice flared up, her mouth dropping. 'How the hell would you know that?'

'Wouldn't _you _like to know...'

Sara grimaced, scrunching up her face and blocking her ears. 'Ugh! Would you stop that? Jamesie's my cousin, you dirty rotten perverts!'

Alice and Beth sniggered, whacking Sara over the head playfully. 'Exactly. So you'd know best, yeah?'

Sara pulled out her wand threateningly. 'I'll hex you, you bloody know I'll do it.'

'Put it away, Sara, we're just messing around!'

Sara grinned mischievously before sticking her wand in her robe pocket. 'Yeah, _messing around_.'

Alice winked, giving a smirk. 'Yeah, and – wait a sec...'

Alice stopped as they passed the fireplace, pulling Alice and Beth with her so that they jerked back, unbalanced.

James was lounging on the good couch, the one closest to the fireplace, his socked feet up on the armrest. Fred and Louis were sitting on the carpet in front of the couch, labouring extensively over a quite impressive tower of what looked to be created purely out of Exploding Snap cards, which explained the absence of eyebrows in both boys' cases.

The murmuring of their voices could be heard, so obviously the game of cards was just a ploy for something more...disturbing.

Alice's eyes narrowed suspiciously, and, without looking away from the boys, said to Beth in a really bad impression of an English accent, 'Blu, there is only one case that intrigues me at present – the curious case of Mr Potter, our resident celebrity. I've been studying his movements and objectives, and they appear most...sinister.'

Beth caught on to where Alice was looking. 'Indeed, my dear Meadowes. Shall we investigate?'

Alice was decided. 'We shall.'

Sara ran along behind them. 'Uh, Alice, maybe we should wait until you've calmed down...it was only a stupid prank...don't need to get in a huff about it...Alice? Alice!'

'Potter,' Alice greeted coldly.

James almost fell off his couch.

Almost.

There was, however, an excessive amount of scrambling as he attempted to kneel on the couch to face Alice. A grin spread over his face. 'Meadowes, so you've finally consented to go out with me? First Hogsmeade weekend's coming up.'

Alice cocked her head to the side, considering. 'Okay, Potter. I'll go with you.'

James looked taken aback. 'O-oh. Really?'

Alice gave him a frosty look. 'Of course not, you wanker.'

'You probably shouldn't lead him on like that,' Beth muttered. 'Potentially bad for his health.'

James smiled ruefully. 'Should've known. Well then, Meadow-flower, to what do I owe the exorbitant pleasure?'

'"Exorbitant", Potter? I'm impressed –' James brightened like it was Christmas, '- I didn't realise your puny brain was capable of processing such a large word. Four syllables, was it?' James' face fell.

'Meadowes, what do you want?' Fred warily. ''Cause whatever it is, I'm pretty sure Jamesie boy here can attend to your every need...' he waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

'Well, I actually came over here to see what diabolically nefarious thing you were plotting next, hmm?'

James actually had the decency to look guilty, running his hand through his spontaneously-spastic hair, nervous. 'Well...actually...'

Fred answered, unabashed. 'We were planning to sneak into the girls' sixth, nick the usual knickers and whatnot, and nab Meadowes' diary on the way down.'

Sara was confused. 'Don't fib to us.'

'I think he was telling the truth,' Beth muttered in Sara's ear.

Sara gave her a you-can't-be-serious look. 'If he was telling the truth, he wouldn't have bloody told us, now, would he?'

Alice, meanwhile, was once again apoplectic. She rounded on James, temper flaring. 'You were planning to _steal my DIARY_?'

Fred winced. 'Bit shrill on the old ears there, Meadowes. You know, if my old man was here you would've deafened him, 'cause he's only got one ear, see –'

He was cut off by Alice's _Avada Kedavra _glare, which was then turned once again on James, who seemed to shrink a few centimetres.

But before Alice could open her mouth to shout at him he was talking fast, attempting to save his sorry skin. 'Meadowes, we weren't really going to do it –' Alice's eyebrow raised, '- it was just to see if we could get up in the girls' dorms this year –' It travelled higher, ''cause you know how we failed the past bloody years since first and we thought we'd try it again this year –' and higher, '- and we were just going to nab your diary on the way out 'cause we could and we're blokes so that's just what you bloody do –'

Alice's eyebrow was in the nether-regions of her light-brown hair by now.

'- and honestly, I just wanted to know if...' he trailed off, staring in horror at the shiny badge pinned to the lapel of Alice's robes, where it was in prime position to catch and reflect the flickering light of the fireplace. James' mouth opened and shut as if he were going to say something, but had no idea what he wanted to say.

He sat there, staring at Alice's badge and gaping like a fish, pointing and staring in shock.

Alice smirked smugly; a smirk to rival any Slytherin's. 'The great James Potter – speechless. I feel so accomplished.'

Fred peered over the couch to what James was gaping at. 'Jamesie, I know her tits are prime territory, but seriously, mate – _what?' _he joined James in gaping at Alice. '_You _got quidditch captain?'

'_WHAT?_' Louis shouted, breaking the unusual silence he'd been affecting. He jumped up, leaping the couch in one launch and grabbing the front of Alice's robes, as if checking that the badge was genuine, ignoring her protests at him groping her. He looked up, eyes wild. 'You...you...you...'

Sara collapsed under the couch in fits of laughter, gasping for air. 'You...your _faces_...' Louis kicked her in the stomach, which just made her laugh harder.

Beth frowned. 'What's wrong with Alice being captain? I'm sure she'll do a top job.'

Fred climbed to his feet, desperately grasping at Beth's shoulders. 'You don't understand what this means. Quidditch is an unbelievably serious business. You don't understand the gravity of the situation. We're _doomed_!' he moaned, eyes wide.

Alice rolled her eyes. 'Oh shut up, you melodramatic moron. I won't have any whiners on the team this year.'

This sobered Fred up immediately.

Alice climbed up on the couch beside James, who was still staring into the place she'd just vacated, his mouth open. She cupped her hands, announcing to the entire Common Room, 'OKAY, EVERYONE!' Everyone – "everyone" meaning the occupants of the Common Room at the time minus the first years – turned to listen. 'QUIDDITCH TRY-OUTS FIRST WEEKEND! MEANING THE SATURDAY AFTER THIS FRIDAY, IN FOUR DAYS! WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GOOD ONE THIS YEAR!'

And Alice yelled louder, 'WHAT TEAM?'

And the Common Room yelled back, '_GRYFFINDOR!_'

'WHAT TEAM?'

'_GRYFFINDOR!_'

'WHAT TEAM?'

'_GRYFFINDOR!'_

Everyone in the Common Room broke into the chorus of 'Weasley is our King'.

'_WEASLEY IS OUR KING! WEASLEY IS OUR KING! HE NEVER LETS THE QUAFFLE IN, HE MAKES US SURE THAT WE WILL WIN, AND THAT'S WHY GRYFFINDORS ALL SING, WEASLEY IS OUR KING!'_

Alice went to sit down, but then James continued – albeit quite badly – and everyone joined in again,

'_MEADOWES IS OUR QUEEN! MEADOWES IS OUR QUEEN! SHE ALWAYS CATCHES US THE SNITCH, AND SOMETIMES IS A REAL –'_

'- bitch,' Fred interjected quietly, sniggering. Alice whacked him over the head.

'_- AND THAT'S WHAT GRYFFINDORS ALL MEAN: MEADOWES IS OUR QUEEN!'_

And the last bit -

'_WE ARE GRYFFINDOR, HEAR US ROAR!'_

The whole Common Room was filled with the sound of a lion's roar, shaking the floor and making the candles fall of the mantle above the fireplace onto the large tower of Exploding Snap cards which, predictably, immediately blew up in a colossal amount of smoke with a giant bang.

Fred and Louis dived out of the way of the wreckage, landing on Sara, who was still on the floor. Beth ran behind the cover of the noticeboard and James shielded Alice with his body protectively.

Meaning he was lying practically on top of her, which was no annoyance on his part. At all.

When the smoke cleared, apart from various coughs and splutters the Common Room was completely silent. The couch in front of the fire had been destroyed, bits of wood and fabric flying everywhere. Fred was completely covered from head to toe in soot, and he spat a bit out on the floor as he hauled himself off Sara, who coughed indignantly at being used as a Cushioning Charm.

But it was Beth who broke the silence, stepping out from behind the noticeboard and shouting furiously, 'TOMMY JAMES MILLER!'

* * *

**A/N: Merci beaucoup to my reviewers and readers! Love you all. Keep up the good work ;)**


	7. The Common Room Part Two

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter. The Boy-Who-Lived. If he was actually mine I would have called him The-Boy-Who-Just-Wouldn't-Die. Needless to say, he's not mine. **

**A/N: Part 2!**

* * *

A tall, dark-haired sixteen-year-old stepped out from behind the tapestry, grinning guiltily, one hand held up in surrender, the other clutching the fat belly of –

'MILLER, JUST _WHY _DID YOU BRING THAT RUDDY _THING_ BACK TO SCHOOL THIS YEAR?'

'Er...Beth, dear, sweet, gorgeous, beautiful Beth...' Beth's eyes narrowed, '...Crumples is a seriously misunderstood individual, and he needs tender loving care for extended periods of time, which he would not get if I'd left him at home. Isn't that right, Crumples?' he cooed, stroking the head of his enormously fat, bright yellow cat, who had a look of solid smugness on his squashed-up face as he surveyed the damage he'd caused.

'Miller...if you do not immediately put a Silencing Collar on that thing to stop it from roaring, I will be forced to transfigure it into a goldfish and flush it down the loos.'

T.J. gasped, horrified. 'You _wouldn't_!'

Beth put a hand on her hip, smirking. 'Try me.'

T.J. squished the cat to his body protectively. 'You'll have to wait for the first – no, second – Hogsmeade weekend. I don't have a Silencing Collar on me right now. I'm not in the habit of carrying them 'round, see?'

Beth sighed patronisingly. 'Fine. But why not the first?'

T.J. pointed at Alice. 'Quidditch try-outs, yeah?'

'You can go on the Sunday, you git.'

'Nah, I'll have too much homework to do.'

'By the first week?'

He shrugged. 'What can I say? It's a talent.'

'Miller, _I'll _get it a Silencing Collar myself.'

T.J. sighed, resigned. 'Okay. Poor Crumples won't be able to talk anymore.' He patted the cat on the head and ignored it when it hissed at him. 'Poor Crumples.'

'Oh, and you have detention on Friday, six o'clock. I'm sure Hagrid will be bloody ecstatic to have someone wash the Flobberworms with him.'

T.J. looked up in horror. 'Detention? What for?'

'For causing grievous damage to the Gryffindor Common Room, traumatising the first years, because you brought that thing back to school with you and just generally because I don't like you.'

Louis whispered to Sara, who he was still squishing, 'Isn't that the same thing he got pinned for last year?'

Sara sniggered.

'But that was Crumples! I didn't do anything!' T.J. protested.

'I can't put a ruddy cat in detention, can I now? 'Sides, it was you who brought the cat back.'

T.J. scowled. 'Fine. I'll do the ruddy detention. Bloody prefects,' he muttered under his breath.

Beth ignored this and grinned, victorious. 'Everyone go back to whatever you were doing. Miller'll get this cleaned up.'

There was a pause, and then everyone started talking at once. Sara pushed Louis off, scrambling up to her feet and dusting herself off. Fred cast a quick _tergeo _on himself and siphoned of the soot that had covered his entire body.

'Get _off_ me, Potter!' Louis, Beth, Sara, Fred and T.J.'s heads all whipped around as there was a sudden bang and James was hoisted into the air by his ankle.

Alice glared at him indignantly, her wand trained on James mercilessly.

'Argh!' he yelled, flailing wildly. 'Argh! Put me down, I'm sorry, okay, I didn't mean to – well, I did, see, but only 'cause there was an explosion – I was protecting you – Meadowes, help me!'

Alice dropped him with another _Avada Kedavra_ glare, and he collapsed in a heap on the floor, groaning.

Alice gave him a condescending look. 'Don't _ever_ do that again, Potter, or you will wake up one morning to find yourself with pink hair, tits, and missing your most valued appendage.'

James blanched.

'Ha!' Fred pointed gleefully at Sara. 'You'll be twins!'

Sara gritted her teeth with the effort of not hexing him; it wasn't _her_ fault she had naturally pink hair, tits and did not possess James' most valued appendage.

As it were, Fred was cut off quite effectively by a sharp kick to the stomach.

As Alice and Beth laughed as Sara was tackled to the ground by a vengeful Fred and ruthlessly tickled Louis and Fred hauled James up, Louis pointing his wand at the remnants of the couch and muttering '_reparo_,' so that the couch repaired itself and they could deposit James onto it.

'You right, mate?' Louis asked, concerned, as James swayed a little where he sat.

James winced as he poked a sore spot on his head. 'Yeah. I'm good.'

'Hey mate,' T.J. said, slumping into the couch beside James, Crumples giving a little hiss. 'How're your hols?'

James shrugged, grimacing when the movement jolted his shoulder. 'There were pretty fine, yeah? Dad had to work a bit, but I took Lily to see the Saucy Sorceresses, you know the band she likes, those ones...'

'The ones who dress in furry lingerie all the time? Sure it's not _you_ who likes them?'

'Git. Yeah, and I told her that if she started dressing like that I was gonna burn all her clothes and get her some of those nun's habit thingies. 'Course, then she slapped me and went to hang out with Al, so I bribed her with chocolate and we're all good again.'

T.J. grinned, shaking his head. 'I pity any bloke who likes her.'

James smirked. 'So do I, mate, so do I.'

A loud shout of 'T.J!' was heard, and an escaped Sara launched herself at T.J., squeezing him around the waist while clipping James' glasses with her foot, hiding from Fred.

Crumples hissed indignantly.

'Oh, hey Sara,' T.J. said, bumping fists with her. She wriggled around so that her legs laid on top of both T.J.'s and James', squashing Crumples even more. 'Happy birthday for two days ago.'

'Aw, thanks mate.'

'I bought you a present – one of those huge chocolate boulders from Honeydukes filled with Butterbeer, yeah?'

'You did? You're so sweet.'

T.J. shrugged. 'Yeah, but then I ate half of it on the way here, you know. I had no money for the trolley-witch, see.'

Sara grinned, laughing. ''Course you didn't, you prat.'

'Ain't that the truth,' Fred sniggered.

Sara vaulted over the back of the couch, sliding to a stop behind Alice, who was helping Beth put up a flyer on the Gryffindor noticeboard.

'Alice, dearest, what's this bollocks?'

Beth answered. 'I'm offering a tutoring service to those in our year and below. You would not believe the atrocious results the fourth years last year got for their examinations. I figured that since it was their OWL year, they could use a hand.'

_When you've dotted your I's and crossed your T's, then we can do whatever we please!_

_Free tutoring service – sixth years and below, 5pm Wednesdays_

_See Beth Blu, Gryffindor House Prefect_

Sara turned to Alice. 'Why aren't _you _offering tutoring? You did just as bloody well as Beth?'

Alice rolled her eyes as if the answer was obvious. 'I hate people. People suck.'

'O_kay_ then. Well, I s'pose you've got quidditch on, so yeah.'

'Speaking of quidditch,' Louis said, suddenly appearing beside the three girls, 'I was thinking –'

'No group sex,' Alice said immediately.

'Hey! I wasn't –'

'Yes you were.' Sara rounded on him, whacking him over the head. 'Lou, my dear boy, there is such a thing called incest that at present is not socially acceptable, and you would do well not to endorse it.'

He frowned. 'Why does everyone automatically assume that all I think about is sex?'

All three girls turned to look at him, deadpan.

He put his hands up in surrender. 'Fine, gang up on me, would you? Just 'cause I'm the only bloke, despite being quite the example...anyway – wait, what is _this_?'

He'd spotted Beth's flyer on the noticeboard. 'Why are you offering something in such a blatantly suggestive way?'

Beth looked at him as if he were stupid. 'It's a tutoring service I'm offering, you moron.'

'Some tutoring service,' Louis muttered, eyes rooted to the parchment.

'And what's that supposed to mean?' Alice asked hotly.

'Seriously, Meadowes,' Louis said, turning to look at her condescendingly. '"When you've dotted your I's and crossed you T's, then we can do _whatever_ you please..."' He waggled his eyebrows suggestively in a classic Fred way.

Alice scowled. 'Don't you look at me condescendingly, Weasley, or I will hex you bald. I know how much time you spend on your _stupid_ hair, so you'd better take this seriously. And get your dirty, perverted mind out of the gutter. You may be part-veela, but no matter how much you may want it to, tutoring does not automatically equate to sex, you kinky man-bitch.'

Louis backed away very quickly, tripping over a second year, which immediately whacked him on the arm before going back to her game of gobstones.

As soon as he was a safe distance away, he called back to Alice and Beth roguishly, 'What if I'm not the only one who wants it?'

Sara forced Alice's hand to the side, pointing her wand away from Louis. As it were, the _stupefy _hex she'd sent at him missed by a few centimetres and hit the back of the couch Fred, James and T.J. were sitting on, sending them flying as the couch flipped.

Crumples yowled as T.J. landed on top of him, hissing and darting away to hide under a bookshelf.

Fred groaned, his face pressed into the still-soot-covered tug in front of the fire. 'Meadowes,' he said, spitting soot out of his mouth. 'I resent that.'

James sat up, rubbing the back of his head where it had collided with the floor. 'She's killing my brain cells,' he complained.

'That is, if there were any there to begin with,' Alice remarked snidely, quite pleased with the way things had worked out. 'And now we make a dignified exit, stage right.'

With the eyes of the entire common room on them, Sara, Beth and Alice linked arms, climbing the stairs to the girls' dormitories with great dignity.

T.J. sat up, cat hair stuck to his eyebrows. 'Why is the only bird you've ever cared about a world-class hexing genius?'

James sighed, his eyes glazed as he stared at Alice's skirt-covered butt before it disappeared up the stairs around the corner.

'No, don't tell me,' T.J. muttered. 'It's because she's the only girl that won't consent to go out with you in this entire school.'

'Isn't she amazing?' James said dreamily. 'She's like, perfect. She's so smart, so beautiful, so talented, so caring...'

'So bitchy,' Fred sniggered quietly.

'Oh. My. God.' James stood up suddenly, his expression shocked.

'What? _What?_' Fred patted himself down. 'I'm not on fire or anything, am I?'

An expression of wonder spread across James' face. 'Meadowes actually spoke to me within three hours of being subject to a humiliating prank. _Victory is mine!_' James cried, throwing himself at a random third year girl and hugging her enthusiastically.

'What's going on?' Fred asked, as the third year girl slapped James and tossed her hair, walking off with her friends.

James crowed, 'Alice's not angry anymore!'

'That's _not_ what it looked like,' T.J. said sceptically, but James was already dancing around the overturned couch and making everyone duck to avoid his flailing arms.

'There's no point in trying to talk to him now,' Louis sighed, making his way over. 'It'll be hours before the euphoria wears off and he's ready to hear reason.'

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**A/N: Next chapter - Louis talks to Sara, James is injured...again...and Beth has some takers for her tutoring service. And what's up with Carter Harris?**

**Please read and review - I would offer you something as a bribe, but you're out of luck. Sorry, guys.**


	8. The Ultimatum

**Disclaimer: Je ne something pas Harry Potter. Sorry, my French sucks. Actually, speaking of which, I got ten out of ten in a French test today. Success! Anyway, does anyone know the verb for "to own"? It needs to be substituted in my disclaimer.**

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'What's up, Lou?' Sara asked, shutting the door to the boys' sixth behind her.

Louis was currently occupied with lying face-down on his bed, his arms over his head.

'Mmph hmphy mas umph bmphy on stphrmidphs.'

'What?'

He rolled over, turning his bloodshot eyes on Sara. 'I said, "I'm horny as a bunny on steroids".'

'…oh.' There was nothing else to say, really.

'Fix me, Sar,' he groaned, banging his head on his bed.

'Oh…uh…er…well…'

'I want it to bloody stop. Just before, at dinner, I was a horny as fucking hell and I bloody considered yanking Blu up and taking her against some wall somewhere, and then there was Meadowes, but she's James' bird, but that didn't stop me from wanting her, then Boot –'

'I think I know what the problem is.'

'You do?' Louis looked up with desperate, hopeful eyes. He looked like a puppy. Sara so wanted to pat his head.

But she shrugged. 'It's two days to the full moon…'

'Yeah, and?'

'…and you're sixteen now…'

'Wow, really?'

'… and I think you're in heat.'

'…'

'…'

'…_what?_'

'Hey, you just basically said you felt the need to fuck someone so badly, and you're practically and adult, _and _you're half-werewolf, so…'

'How do I stop it?'

Sara considered for a moment. 'I guess you go fuck someone.'

Louis' eyes were wide as saucers, looking at Sara like she was mentally insane.

'I…I go and sleep with someone until it stops?'

'Yeah, I guess. I'm your therapist, not an expert in werewolf mating practices. Though I think the girl – or guy, if you're so inclined – wouldn't mind. You're part-veela _and _apparently you have some freaky wolf mojo going on that makes the sex better.'

Louis felt an appreciative smile creep across his face.

'So…I'm dead sexy, and no girl can resist my wolfish charm, so I go around fucking everyone until I feel better and they enjoy it? This is better than I thought…'

Sara sighed as Louis jumped up on his bed, belting out a really bad rendition of "We Are the Champions".

'Time to go get me some.' Louis grinned evilly.

'Stay safe!' Sara yelled after him.

* * *

'…and so, we want Sara, Finnegan and…Potter…' she twisted the name in her mouth distastefully, '…as chasers, and T.J. as keeper, and now we just have the beaters to do.'

Alice itched at her leg, where a large red sore had become quite obvious. 'Ugh,' she frowned. 'Some thing's been biting me in bed.'

The quidditch team from last year as well as the new people trying out were hovering in a circle in the air. They all turned to stare at James.

He put his hands up in surrender, grinning. 'I _swear _it wasn't me.'

Alice narrowed her eyes, saying sweetly, 'Potter, please go and fetch the bludgers.'

Fred, T.J. and Damon Finnegan paled considerably. James, though, just grinned wider. 'Anything for you, Meadow-flower!' he declared, dropping a wink.

He sped off to the ground.

'Um…Alice,' Sara began hesitantly, 'you _do _remember what happened the last time you sent James to get the bludgers?'

Alice smirked. 'Exactly.'

T.J. frowned. 'What _did _happen last time? I think I was in detention with Longbottom.'

Sara and Alice shared a knowing look.

Alice smiled evilly, holding a finger up in the air. 'Wait for it…'

It was a few minutes later that a loud boyish yell split the air between the quidditch pitch and the shed.

'…there!' Alice said triumphantly, before promptly bursting out in hysterical laughter.

Sara's eyes were wide. 'I don't know whether to be reproachful or impressed.'

Alice grinned. 'That was a mean, low, sneaky underhanded trick! And I'm quite pleased with myself.'

* * *

**An hour later...**

'You should at least come in and make sure he's all right.'

Two beaters later, Alice was standing with her arms crossed outside the Hospital Wing, confronted by Sara, T.J., Fred, Louis and Beth.

'Is he dead? No? Well then, he's absolutely fine.'

Deadpan.

'Fine! I'll see him.'

* * *

James Potter was having a fabulous dream.

It involved a minister, lots of frangipanis, and Alice Meadowes looking radiant in a white dress, her face lit up by the smile he sometimes caught a glimpse of when she was with Sara and Blu, before she registered him looking and it turned to a glare.

Except in his dream, she was smiling at _him_, and holding _his _hand, and now she bore _his _name.

_Alice Potter_.

It had a nice ring to it, he thought.

And then they were in the bedroom of a country cottage, and she had that sparkle in her eye, as her hand teasingly slipped the strap of her dress off her shoulder –

'_POTTER!_'

'Wha – what?'

Right before the wedding night. Fate hated him.

And yet, there, above him, a visage of golden curls and clear skin – skin? Why was he thinking about her skin? Oh well, it was just as attractive as the rest of her – with blue, blue eyes like a lake at dusk, half light, half dark, and angel coming to minister over his sickbed…

Alice Meadowes was leaning over him, her sweet lips so close he could see how soft they were, could smell the berry-scented lip-balm she used…

And he leant up, so that their lips briefly touched, a moment of such sweet tenderness as something sparked between them, electricity jolting through his veins –

Pain. Then blackness.

* * *

'I think he's unconscious again.'

Alice was fuming, her cheeks pink and eyes flashing as her fists clenched. 'I cannot _believe _he just did that!' she yelled.

Fred, Louis and T.J. winced before diving for cover behind some of the hospital beds.

'THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE! HE HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT, THE MAN-WHORE! HOW DARE HE? I – I –'

Sara and Beth put up shields just in time.

It seemed the entire hospital wing exploded. The windows shattered, the mattresses imploded, and a large crater appeared where James Potter's bed had previously resided.

When the smoke cleared and everyone resurfaced, Alice was standing in the middle of the Wing, panting heavily with anger and frustration, and even a little bit of confusion.

It was ten full seconds before she gathered around herself a dignified air and strode out of the destroyed hospital wing, with her shoulders back and her head held high.

'…wow,' Fred breathed in admiration. 'That is one _fine _bird.'

* * *

The man twisted his wrist downwards, concentrating the curse and the little bird writhed and shrieked in pain under his dominion.

_The Cruciatus Curse._

It was so helpless, and he felt its pain flood his soul with lightness, making him lightheaded and dizzy with something that was undiscernible.

The bird didn't last long – its tiny voice croaked and died, and it passed out from the pain.

Soon, he would have something much larger screaming on the floor under his wand.

_We're coming for you, Harry Potter, and nothing and no one can stop us._

_

* * *

_

James Potter limped in at lunch the next day, wincing with every step and with a large purple bruise on his left eye, and yet still managed to make almost every girl there swoon. It was a talent, he maintained. It was a chic thing, Fred maintained. It was testament to his ungodly ability to piss her off, Alice maintained.

Especially when he plonked himself down beside her, shoving Sara out of the way, and put his elbow in her toast so that he could stare glaze-eyed at Alice.

'Mornin', Meadow-flower. Decided to date me yet?' he said dreamily.

Alice scowled, sipping at her orange juice. 'Potter, please remove your disgusting and vile presence from my vicinity. Thirty metres should do it.'

'Don't tell me you didn't like it,' he grinned.

'Like what?'

'Don't pretend you don't remember our kiss, Meadowes.'

Beth drew her wand. Just in case.

But Alice simply returned her glass to the table. 'What kiss, Potter? Oh, are you referring to the appalling molestation of my person last night in the hospital wing? I could take you to the Headmistress for that. I think I will, actually. I'm getting fed up with your attentions always nagging in my face these days, and a restraining order would really boost my mood.'

Fred frowned. 'Hey Meadowes, give the guy a ruddy break, hey? He was delirious, and now you're being a bit of a bitch.'

'You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. Anyway, I know I'm a bitch. I'm just not _his _bitch,' she retorted, chucking her finger at James.

'Excuse me, students!' McGonagall's voice rang out over the hall. 'I have an announcement to make!' Everyone quieted down. 'It has been decided by the Hogwarts staff that in honour of the twenty-fourth anniversary of Professor Albus Dumbledore's death, we shall have a Yule ball. This will be held on the twenty-fourth of December, and formal dress is required. All students from the fourth year and above are allowed to attend, but they may bring a younger student along only as a partner. You should consider your dance partners, and we will be holding dance classes throughout the term for this express purpose. Thank you.'

'A _ball?_' Beth whispered to Alice and Sara as mutters broke out all over the hall. 'How unusual. They _never _have balls. I wonder what I'm going to wear? A dress, obviously. I could make it myself…'

'Yeah, and make it prettiful,' Sara input helpfully.

'I don't do balls,' Alice grumped, crossing her arms. 'They are stupid, inconsequential, ridiculous traditional reminders of the subservience of women and – Potter, please stop before I have to hex you.'

A large tray of sandwiches had rearranged itself in front of Alice into the words, _Wil you go to the ball with me?_

'Your spelling is atrocious,' Beth pointed out. '"Will" is spelt with a double "l".'

This was quickly fixed.

'No, Potter, I will not go to the ball with you.'

'Please?'

'No.'

'Please?'

'No.'

'Pretty please with sugar and a cherry on top?'

'Um…_no!_'

'But –'

'JAMES SIRIUS POTTER!'

The hall went silent; students from all houses and the staff turning to with the exchange with interest.

'How does she know his middle name?' Louis whispered to Sara.

Sara shrugged. 'I told her for this express purpose.'

Alice stood up, holding herself in a dignified manner.

'Potter, your immaturity in regards to your ridiculous and wasted pursuit of me has reached its limits. I want you to know that I will never, _ever_ even consider going out with you if you continue to act so immaturely and conceitedly. And despite the fact that I hate them as well, I cannot believe how absolutely awful you are to Montague and the others. You're just an arrogant, bullying toe-rag, and I'm sick to death of you. Not to mention how unamusing I find your little pranks, especially being the butt of them. I am sick of your cocky attitude and stalking, and I hope you understand that I will never date such an inconsiderate, Neanderthal-like _brute _as you.'

And with that, she stormed out of the hall, Sara and Beth hurrying after her.

'It's alright, mate,' Louis said comfortingly, patting James on the back. 'She'll come round.'

'No one can resist the Potter-Weasley charm for very long, hey?' Fred waggled his eyebrows.

'Yeah, you just need to screw your bloody head on right,' T.J. added gleefully.

The boys stood up and left the hall together, chatting amiably about the next prank they were planning to do on their way to their last classes of the day.

As they walked none of them noticed the uncharacteristically pensive look on James' face, the quiet, firm set of his shoulders, the fact that he wasn't participating in the usual banter.

For James was never usually this quiet, never actually thought about things. But this once something he was serious about.

_Screw my head on right. Just need to screw my head on right._

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**Author's Note: Sorry, I know it's a bit short and probably worse than my other chapters, but my liking has deserted me (sob).**

**Hopefully I'll get new ideas soon!**

**Grrr...to LadyLauraOzera - I KNOW IT'S CRAPPY! I'M SORRY! IT'S JUST, I'M NOT REALLY...YEAH, YOU KNOW... :(**


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